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May 2007  

***A heart can only soar when the air it glides is filled with love.***It is not the mistakes we make that define us, but the lessons we learn from them***Anyone can have a child, but it takes something special to be a parent.***

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Assessing The Damage  
04:49am 16/10/2006
Ŧhe Øriginal Åcrobat
So we are able to go back on Naboo, which is fantastic. I was so tired of Rori and the weird weather that I took my family to Isle. I know, I have moved them around a lot, with work, it does and will get worse, but that is yet to come.

This isn't the reason though that I started this post. I went today, to see if anything remained from the life previous there, and it looked as if it had been untouched... well Theed and her suburbs. the workmanship is excellent and then there is this new city which seems to have just sprung out of nowhere. To see Naboo returned to her former beauty is wonderful. It is my second home.

Yet... I walked along through the streets and thought about how much people would have to rebuild, re-establish. I am lucky, I am a drifter, I am home as long as I have my family... but there will be those, alone... lost everything. Then I think of my ex and I hope she finds happiness she never found with me. I thought this as I stood upon the site which had once been where our house had been. There had been more fights and pain in that place than I care to remember at times, but still, although she and I aren't together, that she and I weren't right for each other... I wish her the best in a new life... where ever she is.

I knelt upon the now grassy knolls where I had once had my house... and think on it a little. Perhaps this was meant to happen, the destruction and wiping of the planets face so we could start anew. Like with my life. All things come to an end to start anew and to learn from lessons previous. We have been given a second chance here to make Naboo a true Jewel, to rectify the mistakes of the past.

I walked along shoeless through the grass, letting the soft blades shift between my toes and smiled gently to myself. There was history in this place, but, for me... I felt it not a heavy history. Granted it was pained, but the life that lies ahead seemed to hit me hardest. It was as if someone, something came along and replenished the planet of its life force. So much potential...

Like my life I guess...

So much potential. I am but young, I still have time to live and to restart anew.

But as i said before, I am a drifter and I can make my home anywhere as long as I have those I love, as long as I know I am loved. But there will be those others, as I too stated previously that have nothing left but the clothes on their back. How do they rebuild and move on? Will this event sour the Nabooian people, or will it have created a lasting bond between brothers and sisters? A bond which means others will help their neighbour to start anew? That violence, hate and pain, that differences will be forgotten?

There is an idealistic heart in me that wishes to stand there and scream 'YES! by the Gods, Goddesses and Force YES" but I fear there is a cynicism in me that waits to see the planet return to the way it had been. A cynicism that expects people to forget the hardships of this tragic event previous, and the bonds it created... and to fall back into the old ways.

There will also be people with nothing left whom will soon settle back into old habits, or worse... find new ones because the dividing stanzas of life will once more settle in. Rich/Poor, Male/Female, Human/Non-Human Religion... I do not wish to think this, but as I grow I become tarnished. I am tarnished and a small dose of cynicism never hurt anyone.

Clearly I do not WISH this to happen, but what really will be the damage of this event? Not all damage needs be bad. Far from it, you can have good damage. Well, I guess really I should be using the word consequence, but in essence it is the same thing. I just hope, pray... that our lessons have been learnt. There is an evil inside us all... but there is always an evil greater. Together though, we can work against it, together we can make a eutopia. I hope so.
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: One//U3
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04:52am 23/10/2006
Ŧhe Øriginal Åcrobat
I wonder why these things happen to me and my family. I can't go fully into details what happened, but we were attacked, in our own freaking home. My girlfriend... she was stabbed. My daughter attacked, my 'son' as well. My father could have been harmed a tonne worse than he was. I got away fairly alright.. just blood on my hands.

I thought it was over.

It appears it has just began.

I sat there, watching the girls sleep for a little while, checked on the boys. I stood out the back and cried. Just cried.

I could have lost everything to me because of some other fools. My girls, my beautiful girls. I know *what* I did, I just don't know *why* that entails this. Why they seem intent on harming another. They were after the kids. Bastards.

To watch one I love suffer, from the wound she had inflicted on her. I thought I had killed that monster before he could hurt her. He stabbed her in the gut, the blood, I thought I was going to lose her. My daughter was injured too... I thought I was going to lose them all. My girlfriend was worst off, she lost so much blood. I felt my heart, my life stop the second I saw it.

It was one of the scariest things I have ever seen.

And I have seen A LOT of scary things.

If I ever lost any of them... my life... gods, I dunno if I could go on.

They're alright now, I am just still a little shaken.

I just wonder if it has been worth it, if I have fought for so long, to possibly lose so much.
mood: worriedworried
music: One//U3
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Help me, please, my strength is fading.  
04:55am 30/10/2006
Ŧhe Øriginal Åcrobat
I am a hypocrite. I know that. I tell one off for hiding, and I do the same.

It almost killed my angel.
I stressed her so much, I almost lost her. She fainted, her heart...
I am such a bastard.
I pushed her to that point...
Gods I am sorry.

I... I don't know who I am anymore, or if I have ever known. All I know is I struggle so badly with my emotions. We never were taught how to deal with them well. So what did I do? When the guilt grew too much? I drank.

I know, I know I promised to stop.

I promised to get help... but I was scared.

I am still scared.

The goddess in my life is in surgery, what if anything happened? The last thing she would know is I broke my promise to her. My promise to myself, to my children.

I just, I question where I fit. Things have changed. I question who I am. If I am a good parent.

Bottom of the line, I hate myself, because I was never taught that I was any good, and I try, I try so hard to do things, to prove not just tio myself but to HIM too that I am a good person, that I couldn't have possibly caused all he blamed me for.

That I didn't kill my mother.
My friends.
That I am worth more than he lead me to beleive.
And he might be a stranger to me.
I might not even be his.
The woman I reviered, my mother. She may not be as pure as I imagine she was.
I don't know if it is that which hurts me, or if the fact she too felt so unwanted, she had to find another. Another whom maybe my father.
I won't mind if he is. Far from it.
I am just lost, confused.
Then there is something that should be finished with rising again and this time it is a child caught in the middle, and he and his girl, must suffer, must be parted because of a bunch of bastards.
I promised to help him.
I don't know if I am... I don't want to abandon him... I don't want my daughter to hate me for keeping them apart.
I know she understands, but still.
I feel guilty.

Yet I have been told I need to stop that. I need to look after myself. I thought I was... but then, I knew no better aye?

It must be pretty serious when your mother comes from the life beyond to kick your butt.

Gods I gotta do this right this time, or I will lose my Goddess, my children, my friends.
I am losing my strength.
If I keep this up, I will lose my life.
mood: crushedcrushed
music: Please//U3
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Does this mean I'm human?  
04:58am 31/10/2006
Ŧhe Øriginal Åcrobat
I don't know where to start this or really what to say. Today has been a day mixed with pure and utter pain, utter rage that is almost primal in its feel, to wonderful highs with my Goddess.

Is this normal? Is this what it is like for a normal person? To hurt and cry, and want to beat the crap out of something which caused them pain? To turn around and see the face of an angel and although still paining so badly for things that never should have happened, you find this power inside to just smile, and feel so loved... because there is this Goddess there, loving you and telling you, hey, I think you're great...?

Then suddenly, all the pain, all the dispair, it doesn't leave. I don't think something as full as my past will ever just leave... but it lifts, and the shadows are cast away from your eyes, and you see for the first time, unblinded?

I have never felt like this before in my life. I have never been able to say, hey, yeah... I am alright. Despite what he thought, I am alright. I am allowed to hurt over this. I did nothing to deserve the pain offered me by others. I asked not for it. I am an alright person.

Today I found out whom I thought was my father, is not. The man who married my mother and fathered my brother is not mine. He was not my father and yet, he treated me so badly. It was relief to find out, but Gods it brought such a violent reaction too. Anger and pain burst from my chest and i felt I just wanted to scream. To cry... to, I don't know. It was so primal though. So dark. It was a rage for the physical and emotional abuse he placed me through, which he had no right to. I'm not even his son. I don't know if he knew, if that was why he hated me, I don't care. I don't need to care. Let him get to know his son, my brother... not me. I am not bound to him. He is not my responsiblity anymore. I don't need to look after him because that is the way mum would have wanted it, because obviously he had managed to push my mother away too.

So I can cut off any responsibility I had, any guilt I felt for being so angry and hurt over this. I don't need to care what he thinks of me. He's not my dad. simple. He can hate me all he likes.

This means, i don't know who my real father is... the person I thought it was brought up no match... but we are searching. Hopefully we will find out. I feel like I am a little lost as to who I am now. Not too much, because I have my family and all that, but I want to know who I am where I come from. I want to know if my father is better than the one I had growing up. Hopefully something was just done a bit wrong and it is whom I suspect. I hope so,

I also asked my Goddess to marry me tonight. She has been through this hell with me, and she has shown me how to find my own power... and she has been there for me. And well, shes hot. I am a lucky man. My children should be home tomorrow too. I have never felt so much love as I do when I am amongst them. I have the family now, which I had always wanted growing up. They have taught me a lot and helped me see... hjelped me learn. I would be lost without them. I adore them all so much. My daughter, so smart.. so beautiful in heart. She makes me so proud. My son, he grows more and more each time I see him. He is an amazing child too... he sees everything as brand new. He is so innocent... it is amazing to see eyes so untainted. Then there is my Goddess. She doesn't realise just how beautiful heart and soul she is, as well as physically. She is so patient, and so unassuming. I look at her and each day I fall in love a little more.

I feel blessed, finally I see I am. I am not saying I am out the woods, or fixed... but I see things I didn't... I feel I can go forward now. The past seems to have been settled to bed some, and the thing that was holding me back the most has had its tether sliced. I feel free.

I just need to tell you mum, where ever you are... thank you. You know what for. Just thank you, and I shall forever miss you, but know, you are never truly far away. I love you.

(add.) I know now... we found out who. I can see why you chose him mum. He is a good guy. Shame I didn't know at a younger age hey? I am happy, got a tonne of questions to ask him... but, I am happy with who my father is. I at least know he would have treated you right.
mood: in the arms of a Goddessin the arms of a Goddess
music: After All These Years//Silverchair
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Truth and Consequences  
05:02am 05/11/2006
Ŧhe Øriginal Åcrobat
I admitted it today.

I have a drinking problem. I really said it and meant it.
I do not mean I miss my mouth when I attempt to drink.
It is the alcohol finds it too easily when I am hurt.
I am hurt a lot, especially recently.

I learnt my mother hadn't been happy with the man I had believed was my father.
I learnt he beat her like he beat my brother some, and myself.
All my dreams my family had once been happy were shattered.
Another dream wrenched away from me, and Gods it stung.
So badly.
I am so angry at him, I want to find him and wrench his head from his neck.
To cut out his spleen and feed it to him.
To make him suffer.
To die.
As my mother did.
Why did she stay with him?
If he made her feel worthless did she not think he'd do the same to us?

All my life I have tried to make him proud of me.
Sorry. It makes me irate.

My poor fiancee having to go through this with me.
I see how it hurts her.
I told her a lot though, I admitted the truth to her.
She says now things can get better.
I hope so.
She hasn't been known to be wrong before.
Goddess I love her.
I love my family very much.
I will never be like 'him'
mood: crappycrappy
music: Perfect Day//Various
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Another chapter in the book of life.  
08:20am 13/11/2006
Ŧhe Øriginal Åcrobat
This feels like a story I shall be writing until the day I die.

Yes,  I know, a stupid little joke there, but it works.

First off, I wish to apologise to any and all I was downing on recently.  It is not usually like me to be that low, well, at least until a few years ago it was not.  There once was a time where I was, although living in a horrid world, I was unstopable, full of life and idealism.  I guess, for a while I found cynicism.

They say there are several levels of grief, and depression is one of them.  I guess I have been grieving the death of many things for a long time now.  Very long time now, yet, never truly realised such.  MY younger years were spent in denial of the pain, denial of the tragedies which surrounded me, and sadly, many others have been not so much victim to the situation my life was in, but have been hurt by it. 

I am not saying they are completely blame free.  No one is ever entirely blame free from any event in their life, anything that has happened.  Even when it comes to being a victim of some sort of abuse.  I say this as a victim.  My entire life went upside down at 14.  I was beaten and abused by a man whom I believed was my father, and at 14 I had the nouse to know that this was wrong.  Yet, out of fear, I stayed, I stayed and I not so much allowed him to hurt me, but allowed him to take my power.  I could have left.  I chose to stay, stupid on my behalf.  This does not mean he had ANY right to treat me how he did.

I allowed him to make me feel worthless.  I know this.  I am not saying it was an easy thing to allow, nor did I let him crush me without a fight.  I rebelled, a lot.  I still do I think.  My job, it is one big rebellion, my life, my family... the way I have been around the block a bit.  My rebellion has been in ways other than most teenagers had, and like I said, I still rebel.  The only 'usual' thing I did was drink and smoke.  Stupid, yes, yes, I know... and it seriously bit me in the arse too.

Yet, I guess what I am trying to say, my rebellion against my life was denying I was hurt, denying I was upset and pretending I was big and brave as he said I should be, yet, I took that 'bravado' a step further.  A huge step further.  Those whom know me know what I am talking about.  I failed to see through this action as really, a cry out loud for someone to see me and love me and save me from sinking further.  I had my friends, I know I had and still have my friends, but its different.

Now I have my children and my lover... my Goddess.  I also have more family than I ever thought I could....

And that is my true rebellion...

Being happy.  That is the BEST way I can get him back, get them all back for harming me.
Feth, don't get me wrong, I still want to tear a few new holes.
But while I can't, I will be as damn happy as I can.

I want to thank you all for putting up with my crap.

Especially my family.
I love you all.
location: Home
mood: chipperchipper
music: Boto~ Children of the Revolution (Nubian Tata soundtrack)
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Veiws, in the form of prose  
05:06am 19/11/2006
Ŧhe Øriginal Åcrobat
Sometimes we see only what we want to see
We fail to see the truth.
Blinded by illogical perception,
And insecurities from within our youth.
At times we fail to notice,
The little clues behind the lies
There are times we fail to see
What sits before ones eyes.

We care only for what 'looks good'
What sounds and tastes like fun
Yet we fail to understand
Those this may hurt as we go along.
Hearts arrested and broken
Angel wings shattered and torn.
How much scandal makes one
How far and long 'til it is worn?

A life not ours we paw at
A life beyond what we know.
Simple, that we claim it
But their path we have not tread.
We do not rise and sleep,
There inside their beds.

When did it become our right to sit and stare
With voyeuristic eyes
watching others closely
And wheeling and dealing with their lives?
Is it our place to sell the 'scandal'
to take the mundane of life away?
To make judgments on a life less ordinary
another part of everyday?

We claim their life is better, bigger, totally carefree
Yet we see not the reality
Of what happens behind closed doors
Could be the same as you and me
We know not the truth of what happens,
Just sensationalize and stare
One day it will leave egg on the face
And I just hope to be there.

I have been reading some things, and well, these here are my thoughts.

Other than that, work has been insane. I have been away from those I love the most to continue working on something I love. I do love my job. Very much so, but it is bloody hard to be away from ones family as often as I tend to be at times. I guess the only way I stay sane when I don't see them for some long days when I end up sleeping at the office, is just by calling them, and being a little nutty.

I have had many people mention to me I seem so energetic and happy, I cope really well when having to be apart from them. Heh, nuts! It's not true. I miss them like crazy, so very much and I long to get home and wrap them in my arms... to never let them go. I am longing to get home now. The only thing that keeps me 'sane' (which is highly debatable) is knowing I love them and they love me no matter where I am, and they trust me, as I trust them. I can be my insane self and do my thing, do my work, yet they know... I am always their lover or father or brother, or whatever I am to them.

Family is a great thing.
mood: artisticartistic
music: Misunderstood//Robbie
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Busy Boy  
05:10am 07/12/2006
Ŧhe Øriginal Åcrobat
Wow, I can't get over how busy things have been as of late. What with work and side projects and all that. Thus why I haven't updated in ages. It appears I am not the only one to have not updated as of late.

It was kind of odd the other week. Traveling back to a place full of demons and fears to find... some good memories. With my fiancee by my side... I think it made it easier. Sad thing was, not only does this home sport and secure many of my troubles, it brings her much pain.

I wonder if we did the right thing going back.

I can't help but feel a little guilty for taking her around there and asking her to show me places of her childhood which caused her pain. It would be like her dragging me to some places of my life and forcing me into them.

I don't know. Perhaps I just feel this way for I know how she feels currently, and I don't like that, I don't like knowing she pains. I guess it is the same when I do. I just wish I could take all that hurts her and take it away. I can't though, I know I can't so I will hold her and love her and hope it helps.

Nothing else matters at the moment. I am happy to put everything else on hold, pause it, stop it... so I can spend time with her.

My family is whom has got me through and rather literally saved my life.

I would do anything for them... even give up my career... and I think my fiancee understands this. I think she is the only one whom truly has.

Before hand others claimed I was selfish, I placed myself and my work first. Yet, I would always be willing to put it on hold or give it up if my family needs me more. A lot of things that have been said to me, about me previously within my life continue to confuse me.

I doubt I will ever understand.

In other news...

It was nice to have all the team back together back home and for us to work our butts off. It has been a while. I did enjoy it. It has been a while since we were all working together.

My brother is getting married soon. Like really soon. I am excited for him, he is a lovely guy and I am glad I have finally got to know him properly. I wish them all the best.

Then there is one of my closest friends, and his fiancee... they are getting married soon too.

Then my fiancee and I.

I am so tempted to shove all the rest infront of a priest or a celebrant and tell them to get it over and done with.

I am excited. I can't wait to have a full, real family. To be joined forever.

I am a lucky man.
Very lucky.
mood: lovedloved
music: Sweet Dreams//Annie Lennox
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If Murder Was Legal...  
05:12am 02/02/2007
Ŧhe Øriginal Åcrobat
My gods would several be dying right now. I would tear them limb from limb. I swear.

She looks so.. weak in that bed like that, so hurt.. and I wasn't there to protect her. It is possible this is because of my life, my career.

Everything had been happy, calm.. until now... then once again it all hits at once.

Dad and my Girl.

I love my father, I really do, but I am sorry, I gotta be there for my Angel. I am sure you will understand. I hope you will understand but she has to come first. Her and my wife... and the baby. They need me right now. I have faith things will work out for you, and I will do what I can, but they need me.

I can't beleive anyone would want to hurt her...

She's such a wonderful girl, she'd never hurt anyone.. and look what they have done to her...

I hate them.

Goddess... If I ever get my hands on them...
mood: pissed offpissed off
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05:16am 24/05/2007
Ŧhe Øriginal Åcrobat
Wow, it has been a very long time since I have had chance to even sit down and breathe, let alone update this thing. It appears to me I am not the only one that has been neglecting their N-Journal. Not that it surprises me. Life can get rather hectic...

Since I last posted, much has happened. I am not sure where to start really. Some of it is monumental to me and my life. Some of it, monumental to the lives of others and some of it... is just there. I know, not making much sense am I? But then when have I ever?

Okay, lets list the important to me things... cuz I am going to be concieted like that.

I married the most amazing woman in the universe. Seriously, I don't know how she puts up with me at times. She is so smart, so funny, so talented, and she is an amazing mother to my kids. Absoloutely amazing. I am still at a loss to know how she manages to juggle all she does, when I struggle to juggle about as much as her, maybe even less. I do love her though, and I haven't been happier.

I am also a father again. My wife and I, we had a beautiful little boy... and his big sister adores him. There is such a huge age gap between the two, still.. I can see they will be close. I love just spending time with them and well, all my family. I am such a softy. Sadly with all that is going on I am finding it hard to get time, and a baby.. as much as I love the boy. He does kinda make it hard to get time alone, with my wife.... so we left the kids with a babysitter and ran away for a little. We need it.

Speaking of babysitter, that was an odd thing. a lot of odd, painful things about that, and seeings as I am still on holiday I do not want to focus on that too much right now. I am glad to have her back in my life though.

Then, there is work. I have many areas of work at the moment and all are as stressful as the other. some are worse, especially those that rely on the help and actions of huge numbers of people to work. Crisis almost occured through the daft actions of one and it took a lot of effort and begging to actually cause it to simmer some, at least on one side. The other side... well... I won't hold my breath.

My emotions have been ragged at times, until this week that I have got away with the wife. There has just been mess after mess... and I think we all know what I can be like. I have the temper from hell at times. How my wife puts up with it is beyond me, but then... she just needs to look at me sometimes and I know when I put a toe out of line.

Oh, my daughter also had her 15th birthday. I had my 30ish one. I can't believe how quickly the time flies. One day you are in your twenties coming to a new planet... to being in your thirties, with three kids. Its insane. I wouldn't change it though, not even the crap that got me here. Does that hur? Sure, of course my past still stings... but... I am getting there. I have my loving family.

I'd be screwed without them. I really would.

Anyway, I better head off and go hide out with the missus again. She's asleep, so I took the chance to update quickly. Now I am going to shut this thing off and cuddle with her.

It's nice to have a holiday.
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